Shame (Part II)

Who are you?

Is your identity established at birth, where every decision and every moment is another opportunity to awaken the “real” you? Is your identity the sum of all the choices you’ve made; in fact a living, changing entity that can be good or can be evil depending on the day, month, or year?

Imagine purchasing a can of tomato soup.
What happens when the soup I purchase has much more salt than I enjoy?
Is it still tomato soup?
What if the process Campbell’s uses is much different than the process Progresso uses?
Is it still tomato soup?
What if it wasn’t red?
Is it still tomato soup?
What if someone crossed out “Tomato” on the label and penciled in “Chicken Noodle” or even had it printed in the correct font?
Is it still tomato soup?
What if the can was punctured in transit and became moldy and therefore completely inedible.
Is it still tomato soup?
What if someone’s attempt at making it from scratch ended up being something I would put on spaghetti rather than something in which I would dip my grilled cheese?
Is it still tomato soup?
What if it wasn’t made of tomatoes?

We aren’t cans of soup, yet maybe we can relate. Do you define yourself by or with your words? How about by your upbringing? What about your skin color, size, shape? How about the people who said you wouldn’t amount to anything? What about when you made that huge mistake or completely ruined your reputation? What if the shoes you’re meant to fill are actually too big?

If one’s identity is actually inherent, even though he/se may stray off the beaten path, the momentum of his/her fate would bring them to where they belong. If one’s identity is a compilation of actions and decisions throughout one’s life, I wonder how a person would measure opposing actions and desires (i.e. action without desire to do it versus a desire to do something without action).

Regardless of how you conceptualize your identity, unhealthy shame attempts to constantly redefine “who you are” by your failures, struggles, and trials. Healthy shame, on the other hand, calls you to a “true self” and shows how far you’ve gone off the trail. Although both are painful, the latter seeks progress, the former seeks stagnation.  If unhealthy shame were personified, I imagine he or she would be prideful, selfish, and have low self-esteem. Someone so full of him/herself, that all they want is for you to focus on them all day long. Healthy shame, on the other hand, reminds me of someone who is confident and steadfast. Someone who is so focused on improving you, they’re willing to put you through a little pain because they know how you’ll turn out on the other side.

Practically, everyone has bouts of unhealthy and healthy shame, but the trick is to constantly be striving for a realization of that true self. If you know the person you desire to be is actually already inside of you, each moment of every day, whether good or bad, is forward momentum to that goal.

Shame (Part I)

We hate shame. It tells us we need to be better. It makes us apologize and ask for forgiveness. It causes us to reevaluate our decision making paradigm. It motivates us to change our habits. It gives us a distaste for society. It stirs up dissatisfaction against the status quo.

We need shame. It tells us we need to be better. It makes us apologize and ask for forgiveness. It causes us to reevaluate our decision making paradigm. It motivates us to change our habits. It gives us a distaste for society. It stirs up dissatisfaction against the status quo.

But how do we wear it?

Over the course of a week, how many conscious decisions do you make when you pick out your outfit? How about when you choose what soap to use? Although those numbers will likely be significantly different, they both play a pretty important role in our day-to-day life. Can you imagine a life where you spend the same amount of time picking a soap for your daily shower as you would picking out a shirt or where getting ready for work was as thoughtless as lathering up followed by a quick rinse? Why couldn’t we just have 7 outfits that look exactly alike or how about 7 different types of soap, each with a unique smell and feel?

At some point we (or someone on our behalf) made a decision on the relative times of these decisions. For certain reasons, it is more beneficial to have a variety of clothes, and therefore more time is generally spent on selection. For other reasons, we have evaluated that even though multiple different soaps or shampoos could do the job of keeping ourselves clean, once we make a decision, we will not re-evaluate that decision until we run out – or something catastrophic happens (i.e. allergic reaction).

A lot of people experience shame; it takes different forms. It can be something you consciously decide to put on situationally or something that has become so ingrained into your daily routine, you don’t even consider that it’s affecting your decisions. “How could I have done that better?” versus “How do I keep messing this up?” or “What could I have said to make the situation more comfortable” versus “Why am I so stupid in those situations?”. It can make it abundantly clear that you’ve made a mistake or it can be a constant reminder of how much of a mistake you are. Shame is something you can put on and take off or it’s something that is who you are. If shame, instead of being motivating, is actually paralyzing, it’s unhealthy.